3 Easy Holiday Bark Recipes.

So continuing on this Holiday Bark path how about 3 more that are stupid easy - Cookies 'n Cream Bark, Roasted Almond Bark, and Rocky Road Bark.

Cookies 'n Cream Bark.

Roasted Almond Bark.

Rocky Road Bark.

Considering we're a week and a half out from Christmas (HOLYSHIT HOW DID THAT EVEN HAPPEN?!) we're officially in Last Minute Gift territory.  Any of these would be fantastic for some quick gifting.

Each of these three barks follows the same basic steps:

Melt, Mix, Dump.

That's it!  Stupid easy.  Nothing tricky, nothing fancy, no measuring at all.  The kind of baking you can do while also enjoying some Holiday Drinks (for example - Make yourself a White Russian substituting the cream for eggnog.  Seriously.  Go.  DO IT NOW.  Have one for the pregnant lady who is unable to participate in the holiday drinking season and is making up for it by making ridiculous amounts of candy.  AHEM.)

But!  I know it's easier to play along if I actually write out the recipes so... First start with my Tips for Making Bark & Working with Chocolate - all of those apply here.  Then:

Cookies 'n Cream Bark.

Ingredients:
1lb White Chocolate
Approx. 18-20 Oreos (somewhere in the neighborhood of a cup and a half)
Parchment paper

To Make:
Melt the white chocolate in a double boiler.
Smash up the Oreos. They can be as fine or as coarse as you want.  I used a ziplock bag and a kid:

HULKSMASH.

Yeah my Oreo's weren't all that evenly crushed.  Whatever.  It's bark.  Perfection is not the point here.

My Oreos are perfectly smashed, thank you very much.

Once the chocolate is completely melted and smooth take it off of the heat for a few minutes.  So it isn't scalding hot anymore.  Mix in all but about 1/4 cup of the smashed Oreos.  Dump mixture on a parchment lined baking sheet and spread it out so it's pretty even and thin.  Sprinkle the remaining Oreos on top.  Press the Oreos into the chocolate a little bit so that they stick.

Throw the whole mess in the 'fridge until it sets.  Take it out, let it come up to room tempature, and cut/break into pieces.

YUM.

Roasted Almond Bark.

Ingredients:
1lb White Chocolate
Approx. 1-1/4 cup whole Almonds
Parchment paper

To Make:
First roast the Almonds: Spread the Almonds evenly on a baking sheet.  Salt them if you want.  Put them in a 350 degree oven for approx. 10-15 minutes.  Keep an eye on them - you want them to be a nice, golden brown:

Melt the white chocolate in a double boiler.

Once the chocolate is completely melted and smooth take it off of the heat for a few minutes.  So it isn't scalding hot anymore.  Mix in the Almonds.  Dump mixture on a parchment lined baking sheet and spread it out so it's pretty even and thin.  Throw the whole mess in the 'fridge until it sets.  Take it out, let it come up to room temperature, and cut/break into pieces.

Mmmm Nutty and Delicious.

Rocky Road Bark:

Ingredients:
1lb Dark Chocolate
Approx. 1 cup Walnuts
Approx. 1 cup mini-marshmallows
Parchment paper

To Make:
Chop up the Walnuts (or you can buy them pre-chopped and save yourself a step.)
Melt the dark chocolate in a double boiler.





Once the chocolate is completely melted and smooth take it off of the heat for a few minutes.  So it isn't scalding hot anymore.  Mix in all but about 1/4 cup of the Walnuts.  Mix in all of the mini-marshmallows.

Dump mixture on a parchment lined baking sheet and spread it out so it's pretty even and thin. Sprinkle the remaining Walnuts on top.  Press the Walnuts into the chocolate a little bit so that they stick. 

Throw the whole mess in the 'fridge until it set.  Take it out, let it come up to room temperature, and cut/break into pieces.

It's so, SO good.

I plan on packaging these in small bags and giving them in sets.  Yay for simple, delicious, and homemade gifts!!!

Peppermint Bark and Other Bark Tips.

So.  If you guys follow me on twitter or instagram you probably know I've been on a bit of a candy bark jag lately.  Candy bark is just that - chocolate with candy or other nonsense poured out into a bark.  It's just so easy!  And fun!  And delicious!  And will be the best teacher's gift ever.

Peppermint Bark.  Aka the bark that started this whole thing.

Let me start at the beginning...

So my mom is a music teacher.  And was during the '80's.  Which means that she has approximately 1.1 million horrific, musical themed Christmas ornaments.  And other eye-searing "decorations."  But occasionally she would get something delicious.  The food presents were always the best ones.  So when I was a kid I vowed to never to ever give any teacher any gift that wasn't tasty and disposable.

Pictured:  the opposite of a hideous ornament.

Fast forward to this year - the first year that I have to give teacher's gifts for my kids.  I asked my mom what's hot right now and her answer unequivocally was Peppermint Bark.  It's all the rage with the high-end chocolate set.  So that's how it started... and things kindof snowballed from there:

Peppermint Bark, Roasted Almond Bark, Cookies 'n Cream Bark

So. Many. Delicious. Barks!

Samoa Bark, Rocky Road Bark, Salted Caramel Cashew Bark.

Can't stop... it's too dangerous to stop... I have to slow down first.

I plan on packaging them in small bags and giving sets of them as gifts.  Flawless.  Also Delicious.

How about some recipes!

Starting with the basics...  If you've never worked with chocolate before I have some tips about that at the end of this post.  Let's start by focusing on bark, though.

Tips for Making Barks:

- You can make a bark out of just about any combo of nonsense and chocolate.  Nuts! Dried Fruit!  Candy! Cereal! Pretzels!  All fair game.

- Use the best chocolate you can get your hands on.  This is not a time for melting chocolate chips.  The wafers are the best.  I got mine at Mare's Cake & Candy Supplies on Lorain.  They were super helpful and yay for shopping local!

- You want the bark to be pretty thin.  When in doubt spread it thinner.  If it gets too thick it's bulky and difficult to break apart.

- You're looking for a ratio of about 1.5 cups of nonsense to 1lb of chocolate.

Mmmmm.  Nonsense.

- The steps for bark are pretty much the same no matter what your ingredients.  Just melt the chocolate, mix in the nonsense, pour it out on a baking sheet lined with parchment paper, and put it in the fridge to set.  That's it!

- To cut the bark I've been using a sharp butcher's knife combined with just breaking it.  You want it to be a bit rough looking.  The rustic look is very in.  Let the bark come up to room temp before you attempt cutting it, though or the the whole thing will chip apart.

- Store the bark in a cool place (like a fruit cellar) in a sealed container.  It's chocolate so as long as you don't use anything perishable it will keep for awhile.

On to a recipe!  This is the bark that started it all.  It's also one of the more complicated ones.  Stay tuned, though.  Easier recipes are coming!

Peppermint Bark:

Ingredients:
3/4 lb Dark Chocolate (approx 12 oz)
1lb White Chocolate
1 1/2 cup + crushed candy canes.  I actually found precrushed peppermint candies at JoAnn Fabric of all places.  If you can find it get that.  Much easier.
1/2 teaspoon or more or Peppermint Extract.
Parchment Paper.

To make:
- Melt Dark Chocolate in double boiler.  Add 1/2 teaspoon peppermint extract. Taste it and see if it's pepperminty enough.  If not add more extract.  I ended up adding about 3/4 teaspoon but go slowly.  The extract is STRONG.
- Line a baking sheet with parchment paper.
- Pour melted chocolate onto the parchment paper and spread to get a thin, even layer.  Lightly tap the baking sheet on the counter a few times to even it all out.

-Put the chocolate in the fridge for 5min or so until it just starts to set.
-Melt the white chocolate in a double boiler.
-Mix about 1 1/4 cup of the crushed peppermint candies into the white chocolate.  You can add more if necessary - you want a pretty thick mixture.
- Pour the white chocolate/peppermint mix on top of the dark chocolate.  Spread it out in an even layer.

- Sprinkle any remaining peppermint candies on top.  Press into the chocolate lightly so it sticks.

 - Put the whole thing in the fridge to set.

Delicious! And super fancy! 

Yes. Yes. and then some more YES.

Tips for Working with Chocolate:

- Use a double boiler.  Yes, you can do it in the microwave.  But chocolate burns in a second so even if you watch it like a hawk there's a solid chance you will burn a batch.  Also maintaining a consistent temperature is next to impossible. The double boiler is a set it and forget it situation.  If you don't have a double boiler you can ghetto one out of a metal bowl and a pot like I did:

- Use low heat.  You don't want your water to be boiling, just steamy.

- Never, ever, ever get any water in your chocolate.  Bad News Bears.

- Once you put something other than chocolate in your pot, wash it before you use it again.  Certain flavors like mint or peanut butter will flavor EVERYTHING around it so be careful when mixing.  Also store anything strongly flavored separate from your other chocolate.

- I have heard of something called a leveling spatula.  I do not own one of these and yet have had no issues getting my barks even enough.  Just pour slowly and spread out from the center.  Once you've poured all of the chocolate out and have it pretty level give the whole pan a couple of solid taps on the counter.  This will really even things out.

- You don't want to handle chocolate too much.  Once it's made leave it alone.  The heat from your hands can melt and smudge it and it won't be nearly as pretty with fingerprints on it.

- Again, and I can't say this enough, use the best chocolate you can get your hands on.  It makes SUCH a difference!

Yay for delicious homemade gifts!!!!

The closest I'll ever get to being Royalty

So.  I disappeared there for a bit.  Yeah I've been sick.  Real sick.  Like ended up in the ER b/c I couldn't stop throwing up sick.  So that was... fun.  Considering that my kid was sick last week, too, and my entire twitter feed for the last few weeks has been horror stories of puking I'm guessing it was an unholy combo of pregnancy and flu.  Whatever it was I made the right call in going into the hospital.  I debated it and debated it but didn't want to wake my whole family up.  So I called the On Call Nurse at 3AM.  Who basically told me "Bitch, get off the phone and get your ass into the ER."    So I manned up and drove myself in.  Also you know it's bad when they give you a IV dose of Zofran and you keep puking.  BUT!  We're all on the mend now.  I'm still pretty weak and I have no energy whatsoever but I'm hydrated.  Which is not nothing.

(I started telling that story in a much longer version including details of my kid's pukefest but decided noone wanted to hear about that.  Although I'm tempted to just SEO the shit out of it because it's gotten to the point where I kindof feel like I've become something of a puke expert.  I have so many pearls of wisdom on this issue!  Such as this gem:  If you think you might be sick NEVER, EVER wear a cowl neck sweater.)

(another aside:  Junk punches for everyone who called the Duchess of Cambridge's recent hospital trip "privileged"  Um... puking so much you are dehydrated to the point of hospitalization is AWFUL no matter how many crown jewels you own.  And throat punches for anyone who has said that "it should abate by the second trimester"  HAAAAAAAA.  Yeah you don't start a pregnancy puking that much only to magically feel 100% better once the clock turns week 14.  More like you keep most of your food down and it's a pregnancy miracle worth celebrating with cheese-steak)

ANYWAYS!  How about a quick photo summary of the last few weeks?

My daughter and I got to be guest judges for the Gingerbread House competition at Glow - the completely revamped winter festival at the Cleveland Botanical Gardens:

More on it tomorrow.  Very cool event.

For Thanksgiving we went to a family reunion in PA and then continued on to DC to visit our friends for real this time:

Rufus was happy we made it this time.

The highlight of which was going to see the Big Planes at the National Air and Space Museum (not the one on the mall.  the one where the Really Big Stuff is kept):

 And the Space Shuttle Discovery:

And the landing thingy for Apollo 11 which blew my mind:

seriously how did they ever convince astronauts any of this was a good idea?

In the calm between my daugther's sick and my sick we decorated a bit and went to a bar for some football:

We also cleaned out our crazy hoarder basement.  It was pretty insane down there.  Once we sorted and removed the layers of baby crap it felt like visiting an apartment we used to live in.  But it's time to move on and we have listed quite a bit of the nonsense on Craigslist.  Such as this wonderful pool table:

And an elliptical that we acquired accidentally that I have literally never (and will never) used.

So yeah. I think that's about it for now.  Hopefully now that I'm over the worst of it I'll be back to this space with some regularity again.  I miss blogging the same way that I miss so many things I haven't been able to do lately (knitting, eating solid foods, dying yarn, functioning as an adult, etc.)

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Muffins (with a cinnamon crumble topping)

So!  Earlier today on the social medias I posted this picture of delicious Pumpkin Muffins ready for Thanksgiving:

And the social medias were angry that I did not also include a recipe.  Fair enough.  However I hadn't mentioned a recipe b/c it's my own cobbled together nonsense.  Also I cheated.  I used a box mix (gasp!).  I love me a box mix hack.  So here's what I did:

Cheater Cheater Pumpkin Muffins with Cinnamon Crumble Topping:

Ingredients:

• One Box Yellow Cake Mix
• 15 Oz can of Pumpkin
• One Egg
• 1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
• 1 teaspoon + cinnamon
• 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 1 cup brown sugar (I used 1/2 light 1/2 dark but whatever is fine)
• 2/3 cup flour
• 1/2 cup + butter
• 3 teaspoons cinnamon (more if you like the topping REALLY flavorful)

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Line your muffin tins w/ paper cups.

Mix up the muffin batter so the box of mix, egg, oil, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and cloves.  The batter will be kindof lumpy.  It's supposed to be that way.  Fill 24ish muffin cups a little less than 1/2 way.

Then mix the crumb topping in another bowl - the brown sugar, flour, and cinnamon first.  Then smoosh in the butter until the whole thing is a crumbly mess.  I used a fork to do this and it works best if the butter is slightly melty.  Also you might need more butter to get all of the sugar/flour mixture to become crumbly.  Then fill in the muffin cups with the crumb topping so that all of the muffin batter is completely covered with delicious, crumbly goodness. 

Bake the whole thing for 15 min at 350 degrees or until a toothpick inserted into the muffin comes out clean.

Post to the interwebs like you're some kindof master at the art of muffin making only to be outed that you are really a cheater.  YUM!

All the Baby Questions Answered.

So!  Yes.  I am pregnant.  And basically am oscillating between crazy excited and fucking terrified.  You know... like any pregnancy.  So how about I answer all of the basic questions about what's going on?

1.)  When are you due / how far along are you?

June 10, 2013.  Which means that I am 11 weeks.  So still very early.  Also Summer Baby!  Which, I've been told, is the most awesome time to have a birthday b/c pool parties and ice cream.  Yes.  Also it gives me 3 months to figure out how to get out the door with THREE OF THEM before preschool starts up again.

My house is going to be such a disaster area...

2.)  How are you feeling?
Pregnant.  I'm basically a ball of first trimester suck.  As is to be expected.  But each pregnancy is different and this one has been the Pregnancy of Nighttime Puking and Woe.  The cycle goes like this:  I lay down and close my eyes, the spinning starts, the spinning makes me nauseous, so then the puking starts, I puke until EVERYTHING is out of me, I get dehydrated and a headache, I slowly start to sip water and keep it down, I finally am able to eat some crackers and keep those down, It's 5AM and I"m just able to get to sleep, my kids wake me up at 6:30.  So that's happening.  It's not every night and I'm sure there's some magic formula of eating or not eating I haven't discovered yet to make it stop.  I kindof feel like I've tried everything, though.  Insomnia makes everything harder and I've pretty much turned into a mess of things I was supposed to do.  Also I'm starting to be convinced that this kid wants to turn me into a zombie complete with the gagging and drooling...

3.)  Where are you going to put this kid?
Yeah I have no fucking clue.  We haven't worked that detail out yet.  But!  Any time I start to worry too much about it I think of the words of the ever fabulous Laura Bennett:

"I'll just throw it on the pile with the others" - Laura on her 6th child.

That's pretty much how we feel about it.  We have lots of options for how we arrange our house next and all of them involve someone (or all of them) sharing.  I actually think that's a good thing.  At some point I'd love for my children to find a spouse and share a room with someone for the rest of their lives.  Might as well get used to it now!  Also bunk beds are about the coolest thing ever.  So at this point I'm more concerned about lap space than house space:

Seriously where does a third go?  I have no more lap!

4.)  Do you have pictures?
Nope.  My doctor's office has changed policies since my last pregnancy and they no longer do the hi how are you ultrasound in the beginning.  Which I didn't know about until I was there for my first visit.  So the poor nurse practitioner in training who was doing my initial exam got to witness me slowly freak out.  And then really freak out.  And then basically beg for a sonogram or anything to hear a heartbeat.  Complete with tears.  I didn't realize how much I was counting on seeing that flickering pixel until I was told it wasn't going to happen.  But yeah... I really, really needed that reassurance.  Luckily my doctor's office is AWESOME.  The actual nurse practitioner literally snuck an ultrasound machine into my room and did the quickest ultrasound ever.  So I got to see the baby.  And the very strong heartbeat.  The baby even jumped and then waved at me.  It was amazing.  As I was leaving the nurse told me that she completely understood where I was coming from - she has 4 kids.  And with each pregnancy she got more and more terrified because how blessed could she be?  THAT.  EXACTLY THAT.

I'll just put this picture here....

5.) Was it planned?
Um.  Ok.  Quite a few people have asked us this and frankly I find it rude.  First of all unless you are my very close friend I have no desire to discuss the details of my sex life with you thankyouverymuch.  Second of all the implication here is that a third child is is INSANE and there's no way this would have happened unless it was some kind of accident or mistake.  NO.  Third of all we're educated adults in our 30's who have been married for 8 years and already have 2 children.  I think by now we know how babies are made.

The Dude is not amused.

6.)  Is it a boy or a girl?
We can't know that yet.  I'm not even sure we'll find out this time as it SO doesn't matter.  We have one of each so this is just bonus.  Although my daughter will entertain no other possibility than girl.

7.)  What did that announcement diagram mean?
They are defense strategy diagrams for a football team.  So honestly I'm not entirely sure.  The red x's being the parents/defenders and the black circles being the kids/receivers.  The first one where there's one black circle for two red x's looks a hell of alot easier than the third one where the poor little red x's are completely overwhelmed by black circles!

Our Really Big News.

We're officially switching to a Zone Defense and couldn't be more excited!!!

(Yup.  I'm pregnant!)

Palate Cleanser.

Whew!  So.  After that last post I think I need a palate cleanser.  How about some pictures of my kids dancing?

Rocking it out stomp style with some brooms.

We moved the furniture back one night so that they could rave.

And a video of my husband trying to teach our daughter how to swing dance.  YES:




Big news coming tomorrow!!!

The Political Post.

So.  I've been avoiding blogging because I've been avoiding posting about politics.  And that's all anyone's been thinking about for the last week.  But I've decided, screw it.  I get one political post every 4 years.  Warning... it gets a little ranty and I cuss alot.  Let's do it.

First of all let me say that I went into this election more open minded than any other one before.  It's been a rough 5 or 6 years for this country.  If someone else had better solutions I was more than willing to listen.  And with no residual hatred for the awful that was Bush tainting this election I'd even go as far as to say I was leaning right.  And then the second debate happened and.... well..

FLAMES.  ON THE SIDE OF MY FACE...

So I ended up voting for Obama.  Again.  It wasn't a perfect vote and I don't think he has all of the answers.  But I also don't think it was the most important thing that happened last night.  Here's who I think the real winners were:

6.)  Women.  There are more women elected to the Senate than ever before.  The ENTIRE delegation from New Hampshire is women - both Republican and Democrat - including all senators, congressmen, and even the governor.  That has never happened before.  The first openly gay senator (also a women) was elected in Wisconsin and the first Asian American senator was elected in Hawaii.  Bottom line:  Women kicked ass and took names last night. 

5.)  The City of Cleveland.  We cannot expect to have a great city without great schools.  PERIOD.  End of conversation.  Because without great schools people like me - who love this city, who love living here, who love their neighborhood and their home and who have no reason to move away - will leave the second their first child hits Kindergarten.

Pictured.  The very tough decision we have to make before the 2014 school year begins feasting at the West Side Market.

To say I am happy that Issue 107 passed would be an understatement.

4.)  Women's Health.  First of all.  FUCK YOU TODD - LEGITIMATE RAPE -AKIN.  Ok now that I got that one out of my system...  Also I really don't think that his resounding defeat last night was because that many more people are pro-life.  I think it's because PEOPLE UNDERSTAND SCIENCE YOU RIDICULOUS DOUCHEBAG. 

Anyways!

I also want to say that by Women's health I very much do not just mean abortion.  Bottom line here is that I'm a Catholic.  I am pro-life.  However I also believe that the path to making abortion unnecessary is through education paired with easy and affordable access to birth control.  We live in a country where 49% of pregnancies are unintended  (49% WTF HOW? OMFG.)  We need to decrease that number for a whole host of reasons.  And the way to do that is not through forcing religious views on people who do not want them (again I'm not just talking about abortion.)  I also believe that it's not just the babies that may or may not have been aborted that deserve our care and protection.  So any organization that provides prenatal care for children that would not otherwise have had access to it is not all bad.

I know that one is an issue people feel very passionately about and I'm really putting myself out there by expressing my opinion on it.  Please be respectful if you respond.

3.)  Equal Civil Rights.  On Tuesday for the first time it was put to voters Marriage Equality won.  I'm not going to go into this too much other than to say that the tide is turning.  It IS happening.  And there WILL be a wrong side to history on this one.  What I mean is this... Do you really think any of these peoples' grandchildren are proud to have relatives in this picture?

People protesting changing laws against Interracial Marriage.  It wasn't until 1967 that The Supreme Court ruled that laws against it were unconstitutional.

2.)  FACTS.  So I case you don't know who he is Nate Silver is the geek behind the political polling blog Five Thirty Eight.  On his site he has some sortof complicated mathematical formula for assessing all of the polls to come up with his predictions on the election.  And for months he has been predicting that Obama would win.  Which means that Romney supporters were LIVID.  They called him some awful names.  And claimed over and over that he was biased.  Let's see how that played out:

He got every single prediction right.  Every. Single. State.  you know why?

BECAUSE FACTS ARE NOT BIASED.

That's the most disturbing thing this election cycle.  If facts don't support your argument then the facts are biased.  Um, no.  Facts are FACTS.  Period.  And if they don't support your argument than maybe you need to find a new position.  Because the bottom line is this - we all get to have our own opinions.  We do NOT get to have our own facts.  Just ask Unskewed Polls.  So I'm really hoping between Nate Silver and Sandy that we stop arguing about facts and start arguing about how to actually fix this country. 

1.)  Women.  Last night I voted as a woman along that line.  Very clearly.  And I know a ton of other people who did, too.  And that was the difference in this election:

How women voted in the 2012 election vs how men voted.  Chart from BBC News.

Bottom line:  You can't tell 53% of the electorate that it's cool if they don't make equal wages as long as they are home for dinner and win.  HEAR THAT BOYS????

Maybe next presidential election instead of talking about how women decided the election we'll be talking about how a woman WON the election.  A girl can dream, right?

Whew.  Ok.  I'm spent now.  That will be the last political post for a while.   Please if you respond be respectful.  We're all in this together.